No longer the same!!
Life comes to a point where you have to say " Enough, I simply can't take anymore". I am here now. Being in an abusive relationship with a married man who refuses to let you go is devastating. ( for a total of almost 7 years. I still have to deal with him for those that know what happened ) I'm talking about now March 2020 current. I have broken off the relationship. I'm out of it. I still have to deal with other matters pertaining this situation. That man took so much away from me. I still have to deal with the bullshit each and every day.
You can judge me because, that say's relationship married man. However, I wish you wouldn't. You have no idea how people can lie through their teeth. You have no idea the extreme's I went through to get that man away from me.
I have suffered different types of abuse as a child. I went to therapy for it for many years. You don't think it will ever come up again because, you dealt with the childhood abuse. Truth is you'll always be vulnerable even after you have healed with childhood abuse.
I stopped living because, of this man. He destroyed every fiber of my being. All I wanted was to leave and get away. He refused to let me go. I'm away from him now. I just let a little laugh out. I have been trying to get away from it since October 2014. I only said " NO " and " Please leave me alone". " Go Away " 40,000 times.
What is left of me now? I'm scared of the world. I'm not brave at all. Anxiety is everywhere in my body, when I sleep, when I'm awake. Anxiety lives here and inside of me all the time. I can't get through it. Where is the emotional support you ask? I have no emotional support. There is no help!! I have been everywhere to get it throughout the community where I live.
The family members I have left do not care about me. I have accepted that at this point. My father kept my family together as one. He's been gone for so long. There is no more togetherness. There is no more caring. No one cares about my struggles or why. I have just been labeled " Bad, No Good, Irresponsible." I have been judged so harshly that, I couldn't take that anymore either. I had to let go of my family because, they were destroying me. Its only one side for them. They have no idea what I went through. Nor can I tell them. It falls on deaf ears. So, I have hidden so much. I had to let go of family.
The man I was with has, financially controlled me and bankrupted me. He physically tore me down. The psychological and emotional abuse I've been through has completely screwed up my mind.
I feel as if I am that little girl that is being sexually abused again. Its the psychological part that reminds me of the sexual abuse I survived as child. The same Psychological method was here in this Abusive ADULT Relationship.
I'm afraid to leave my apartment at times. The anxiety is so great. I can't breath.
Some friends will tell me to go to therapy. I don't have the money for my co-payment. Guess What? I'm broke. This month is extremely bad. ( March 2020 ) I don't have my car payment and my full rent. There is nothing worse then the fear of losing your car and the roof over your head. ( he has cut me off again and I can't fight anymore ). If your sent this blog I will explain why I was being given money.
I am sitting here doing phone sex to try and trying to make the money. I have made about $14.75 in 3 days. Phone Sex is extremely degrading. I hate it. You literally have to work for 12 hours a day to make money or $14.75
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I can no longer bartend or serve anymore because, I had the most humiliating experience because, of this man. He's ruined my life. He's got all the money in the world. That's how he controlled or controls me. Because, I would always go back to work after he destroyed another job. I would just leave the relationship and work. He figured out a way to fuck it up for me. Humiliation!
However, I've been humiliated at the one job that I always could turn to and depend on. The job I loved. Bartending!! I can't breath when I'm bartending. I shake in fear. My former co-workers had to think so badly of me. I couldn't remember drinks. I made so many mistakes. It was as if I had never done this job before. I have Bartended for 23 years. I am more afraid of Bartending/ Serving ( same thing ) then anything in the world. I can't find the courage to not start crying when I am bartending. I don't have the courage to do it anymore. I have tried so many times. The longest I have lasted was 2 weeks. I just have the flashback of the night of being humiliated. Then, I feel faint.
I have a job interview tomorrow that I am going to. I don't even know if I will get the job or even how long it will take me to get hired. I'm staying with Phone Sex as well every dollar counts.
I have to make a total of $650 to have my rent and car covered. I just pray that I get the job tomorrow and pray I can make the money. I'm so scared.
On March 23rd, 2020 I have been invited to work for a company called Exact Sciences. They make the Cologard Test for Colon Cancer. I start certification class on March 23rd. I know I will make it through the certification. I will be working from home. I will be safe. I will have a job that is stable so, I can make it. Just put the pieces of my life back together. I actually like the job. I went through a heavy background check for this job. I just found out about it last week.
All I feel is fear.
Let me say this. I believe people may think I play the victim. I have thought of this so many times I have written it so many times in my journal. I'm not playing the victim. I'm trying to survive. I want to survive. I want my life back again.
I just don't feel safe to talk to anyone. I don't want to be judged me anymore.
If someone says that what other's say does not matter. I wish I would of took that advice years ago and hired a bodyguard years ago. I just don't talk anymore.
I hate it here where I am now this place its like being stuck in a sewer of mental garbage that I just want to let go of but, is tied around my waist and I'm dragging it. I hate it more then anyone could ever know. I don't have a identity as I once did. I hate this life at this time.
I'm left still broken to pieces. When I want to be free. Help!
