The Lonliness of my Apartment..

Everyone is gone. I'm here all alone. I hate it. I want another apartment somewhere else. I no longer want to reminded of how I hate being alone while here in this apartment.

Depressing as I look around here. It's cluttered with stuff that isn't even mine and reminder of what my family used to be. My mother got up and left. She took nothing with her. I'm overwhelmed with so much stuff. It depresses me making me feel suffocated it's not a neat and tidy space that I so desire.

I feel abandoned. I struggle to hide my feelings every single day. Always becoming overwhelmed with tears. So sad how this became to be the most depressing place I have ever been in. Reminds me that I have been damaged.

So much stuff needs to be vacated. I have to get it out. I feel like I want to get it out right now in the middle of the night. Again suffocated.

I understand why my mother left.

What I don't understand is how she could just leave every gift, the pictures, all the history of our family here. It boggles my mind.

I know I want a huge chunk of this abandoned stuff out of this apartment that is, overfilled. That I can't handle. That just depresses me.

Maybe I can't wrap my head around how she left me alone. Forgot about me. As if I never existed.

She promised me around Halloween 2011 that all this stuff would be out of here. Now its almost Christmas. I know it will never be emptied out.

I've thought about a vacate all this shit from my apartment party. I don't want anyone to see how this looks. I'm ashamed.

I am so terrible with organization anymore. My new hobbie seems to be procrastination. Or is it that?

There's a lot to heal from I guess that's why I cry so much. I guess I need to cry. It heals the broken pieces of my heart.

I look forward to when I can lay my head on my pillow and smile when I go to sleep because, all the clutter and history will be gone. It won't make my apartment so lonely anymore. Getting rid of all this crap is just so daunting.

I just want to live..

I want to offer any help I can in helping someone tapering down off of Effexor Xr

I was on 300mg's of the antidepressant Effexor Xr. The great thing is that I took my last dose of Effexor 18.75 ( immediate release ) 5 days ago. I have been tapering slowly of this antidepressant since July 25, 2011 now 4 months later I am off.

First if your reading this and tapering off Effexor ( XR or immediate release ). Please know your not crazy. All the " brain zaps, dizziness, vertigo, headaches, tiredness, flue like symptoms, aching muscles and joints, crying over everything, extreme anger, nausea, stomach aches, vomiting, diarrhea and so on. It is from the Effexor. Your didn't lose your mind.

Why does this happen? I don't really understand it.

I can tell you that Effexor is an SNRI ( Serotonin Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitor )- The SNRI affects your Serotonin and Norepinephrine Neurotransmitters ( these neurotransmitters play a big role in your mood. Effexor alters that) also Effexor effects your dopamine production. These are things that we all produce naturally.

The Effexor may have worked great in the beginning but, after time and your doses are increased. Which caused you to have really bad side effects, i.e. like not wanting to get out of bed, sleeping all the time, no libido, anxiety attacks even phobic and not wanting to show your face, also not caring about anything anymore ( apathy ) kind of like your numb, having trouble with expressing emotions along with the rest of the horrible side effects. ( Effexor is not addictive, it screws with your Central Nervous Symptom and Neurotramitters: Serotonin and Norepinephrine ) You will have strong withdrawal symptoms. Also, you have to taper slowly. You did not put yourself on this medication. Your doctor did. Hoping to help you with depression, PTSD, anxiety, panic disorder it may have helped you through a bad time. However, some doctors forget to warn you about Effexor XR and Effexor ( immediate release ) side effects and claim there is barely any withdrawal. Remember that this is your body. Don't let your doctor make you taper in 3 weeks that's way to fast. Don't be afraid to tell your doctor this is to fast. If the doctor doesn't support this decision and won't help correctly. Find a new one. ( psychiatrist or primary physician )

The above is confusing. You may want to do a Wikipedia search: What is an SNRI ? which explains the chemistry stuff, and also explains you will have withdrawal when you start tapering off this medication. ( Do not stop this drug " cold turkey " the withdrawal symptoms are worse and you will feel like your in hell and you can't get out. ) Also there are bunch of forum's regarding Effexor withdrawal.

Remember this medication is not addictive. We wouldn't want to get off of Effexor if it was that great. The side effects are the worst. You try to escape the side effects by tapering off then your introduced to withdrawal effects. Pharmaceutical companies are the ones making the money. However, Effexor seems to be one of those pills that, was a miracle drug ( like prozac ) but, not enough research was done of Effexor ( generic Venlafexine ). It was released to soon. Doctors were told about how great the medication is but, are also told there are little side effects, and no withdrawal effects.. We all know now this is bull. However, it seems a lot of doctors don't really know about this drug even in 2011. Pyschiatrist's seem to be prescription happy. Tell the doctor to take it himself and then get off of it.

Also this medication has a short half life. People who have missed a dose start feeling brain zapping, dizziness and vertigo. But you feel better as soon as you get this stuff back in your system. Just taper off of this.

Its often compared to Alcohol Withdrawal.

You can get off this medication. Slow taper, however, remember you will still go through withdrawal when your tapering that feel like your going nuts and there is something wrong with you. Your not crazy.

I am off this medication completely. As mentioned above I took my last dose 5 days ago. I am having withdrawal symptoms as I write this. These started Friday Night its now Monday. Remember everyone's body is different. Some people it lasts longer after the initial taper, it may be shorter or you don't experience withdrawal at all. I am explaining the days it takes me to feel normal again which is 10 to 14 days.

I supplement with Omega 3 ( fish oil ), multivitamin, L-tyrosine, D3. However, if you can't take all these supplement at least get the Omega 3 fish oil. It really does help with the brain zaps.

I dropped to 150mg from 300mg every 4 weeks. Then every 3 or 4 weeks. I chopped the dose in half. It didn't bother me as much chopping down. However, I screwed up the process when my doctor told me to count beads from the capsule and only take half that would equal the 37.5 dose. I was also put on Wellbutrin XL at this time. I had no patience for counting beads. Then I decided to quit the Effexor Xr at 75mg, ( because I refused to count beads. ) and quit the Wellbutrin XL. That was the stupidest move I have ever made. I slipped into psychosis when I abruptly stopped. I had no idea when I was told to count beads from the Effexor XR capsule, how bad the withdrawal could get. ( don't stop till your down to the littlest dose. )

Because I dropped off the 75mgs of Effexor and Wellbutrin XL. I slipped into psychosis.

Like I said above, I have been off of Effexor for 5 days. ( 18.75 ) I refuse to take it. Even though I am suffering withdrawal.

Just get off this drug. You will have a life again. Try to remain positive. Also, remember there is no relief when going back on. You just end up back at square one again. Effexor with nasty side effects.

Thing I haven't told anyone.. Titrating off of all medication.

All the medication I was put on from the accident I'm almost off. All those anti-anxiety medications, and anti-depressants for anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder, depression. I am off finally the worst of the two. That has taken 2 months to titrate off. Well they are both really bad meds.

Medication Number 1. Effexor XR 300 mg's. That to me was the worst medication. It made me numb literally. I was numbed from emotion i.e. crying when I was hurt, laughter when something was fun, love to all my family and friends, being angry for a normal reason. It also caused Tachycardia with me.

I had terrible rage all the time I had no idea it was this medication. The worst it was causing me to become Agoraphobic. I didn't want to leave the house because, " I didn't feel like it " in turn I felt very anxious inside, no self confidence. In turn I ended up hating myself so much. I became miserable.

This medication made my brain produce to much Serotonin so much, that it seemed to block the brain receptors from accepting feel good transmitters. ( i.e. Dopamine and Epinephrine

The first titrated dose, my mind started to clear, I had emotion. The next titrated dose I felt so much at once. However, to me it wasn't a bad thing. I could make my own decisions. It just got better without this stuff.

I took my last dose yesterday 09/19/2011. I was at the point where I was breaking the capsule in half and counting beads that flew out of the capsule's after opening it. I had to do that to make the last dose of 37.5. I thought forget this... This is a pain. So, I stopped. It was the last dose before I was off. I feel weird but in a few days I know I will feel normal again.

Medication # 2 Klonopin ( generic Clonazepam) ( drug class: benzodiazepine ) this medication is a stimulant I had started taking a small dose 21 years ago. I was taking .5 mg. Well that was increased to 2mgs a 1.5 jump. for anxiety after the accident. I always wanted to get off this medication I hated taking it. But I was afraid because the doctor always warned me about the horrible withdrawal.. My mind was not addicted to it. My body was. My doctor told me to take 1mg ( chop in half ). That was a horrible withdrawal. It was painful and exhausting. I am on 1 mg now. However, the next drop is September 29th, 2011. I'm going to titrate off of it slowly on just dropping to .75mg. Then in 3 weeks dropping to .5 and so on till I am off the medication. ( I have to do it slow, I was in bed for 5 days going through hell when chopped in halves, I felt like a street drug addict going through a heroin withdrawal or something like that. Fact is I'm not. I was prescribed this medication

I took another Neuropsychologial Test and found out I have ADHD. I have had it all of my life. I brought old report cards and everything to the test. My whole family did the test. My Mom, both of my brothers and 2 of my nephews we all have ADHD. It is genetic.

I was put on my first dose of Wellbutrin XL 11 days ago 09/09/2011 I felt better in probably 4 days. I could focus, organize, routine myself , I remember stuff. I feel much better about myself. I want to go out and do everything. It worked. Again my dosage will be probably increased a little more. Eventually after getting off of Klonipin. I will then be prescribed Concerta in a very small dose 2 times a day.

You can say I'm sick of feeling withdrawal. Which is a natural feeling. My body is so tired.

Thats what I have been up to for 2 months. Its the best decision I have made ever to get off this crap. I know I have to watch out with this new stuff as well for ADHD.

I just want to warn others now. When you are prescribed a medication for anything ask you doctor a million questions and research it. Especially with these anti-depressants. Its your body. Your in charge of what goes in it. Just make sure you know everything first.

Vitamins and minerals I am using

It seems as if I am having pituitary deficiency connected to my thyroid. I have all the symptoms of Hypo-pituirarism my thyroid level are pointing towards pituitary problem. I have read and have been told by my doctor this could very well may be true since I did suffer from a TBI.

* I have already went down the mental health route Psychiatrist and Psychologist.

* Neurologist route.

* Gynecologist.

*Did the primary doctor route. He is encouraging me to see an Endocrinologist.

I have my appointment for one on July 26th... ( I was referred to this Endocrine practice by a friend whose husband suffered from Cushing's Disease he had surgery and has been doing well ever since. All of the doctors are female and all come with a very high rating with helping this problem. )....

Since also quitting YAZ my 3 months ago my body has been thrown off. In which I thought would happen.

Let me add I feel like shit. My quality of life has sucked since 3 months after being hit. No energy, exhaustion, I can sleep forever, jump from a size 2 to a size 6. ( Yeah obviously I have gained weight jump from a size 2 to a size 6 is a lot for me. You don't have to be obese to have hypothyroid.. Its a result from a TBI or Traumatic Brain Injury it makes sense ) Cold feet, Really Dry Skin and Hair, low heart rate and low blood pressure. horrible mood depressive mood swings, and memory

I am taking a Vitamin Cocktail. It helps not a cure all but its helping as time goes on...

Centrum Woman's Multi-Vitamin

Vitamin D3 2000 IU a day

Vitamin B12 5000 mcg's a day

( This is my morning vitamin ritual )

Then later on in the day.

Liquid Kelp 150 mcg...

Right now being that I have been to everyone it seems like to find out what is physically wrong with me. Apparently the only one that believes me is my Primary Doctor and my orthopedic doctor.

I have to take all these vitamins to have some energy and for minor relief of stress, poor memory issues, and relieve some mood swings.

This is my body and I only get one. I know my body and I haven't healed to full capacity. Some doctor has to run all the necessary tests to get to the answer. I have believe the whole time it was something endocrine no one listened.

I want every test run on me. I have to work and finish school. Also, be able to do the little things such as clean, cook, and be happy.

I refuse to live like this forever. I am so unhappy like this...

Interesting Article on TBI and The Pituitary Gland

Traumatic Brain Injury and Pituitary Hormones

JUNE 18TH, 2009 | CATEGORIES: TBI ADULTS | 16 COMMENTS | PRINT THIS POST

Pituitary Deficiency and Brain Injury

By Flora Hammond, M.D. and Rhona Shapiro, R.N., M.S.N.

Traumatic brain injury and the pituitary

Pituitary hormone deficiency may result from head trauma or subarachnoid hemorrhage. Two recent studies show that one or more pituitary hormones may be affected by traumatic brain injury or subarachnoid hemorrhage.1,2

Symptoms of hormone deficiency can mimic other effects of a traumatic brain injury, which can prevent suspicion of this disorder. A deficiency of one or more of the hormones regulated by the pituitary gland may have physical and/or psychological effects such as:

• reduced muscle mass
• weakness
• decreased exercise capacity
• fatigue
• irritability
• depression
• impaired memory
• reduced sex drive.

Most patients do not even realize that they have the hormone deficiency until specific laboratory tests for this disorder are performed. However, individuals with a history of a moderate to severe brain injury are more likely to have a pituitary deficiency than those with a mild brain injury.

The likelihood of pituitary damage exists even if the injury occurred years ago and a good rehabilitative outcome has been achieved. The pituitary gland, hypothalamus, and surrounding structures, including their blood supply, may have been injured.

Damage to the pituitary gland causes a condition called hypopituitarism: a loss or reduction in the normal activity of the pituitary gland. Hypopituitarism means that any pituitary hormone can be deficient.

The pituitary is a pea-sized gland at the base of the brain. Pituitary hormones are important because they regulate other hormones from the thyroid, gonads (ovaries and testes), and adrenals (cortisone). Prolactin, oxytocin, and ADH (antidiuretic hormone) may also be effected by brain injury, but the incidence is less common. These hormones are chemical messengers that target vital organs that control vital functions.

Listed below are the hormones produced by the pituitary along with the symptoms commonly seen with a deficiency of each. Diagnostic testing for pituitary hormone deficiency involves blood and urine testing. Hormonal replacement requires monitoring by a physician.

Thyroid stimulating hormone deficiency may cause…

• reduced memory
• slowed metabolism
• reduced energy
• altered mood
• failure to thrive
• slowed growth
• lethargy
• muscle aches
• cold intolerance
• decreased appetite
• dry hair or skin
• numbness or tingling in extremities

Adrenocortical stimulating hormone deficiency may cause…

• weakness
• fatigue
• altered mood
• electrolyte abnormalities
• weight loss
• low or fluctuating blood pressure
• increased body fat
• decreased bone mass
• reduced exercise capacity

Sex hormone deficiency may cause…

• decreased energy
• decreased muscle mass

in males, it may cause…

• decreased sex drive
• shrunken testes
• loss of beard growth
• decreased sperm production

in females, it may cause…

• infertility
• amenorrhea (lack of menstruation)
• loss of female characteristics

Growth hormone deficiency may cause:

• decreased lean body and muscle mass, particularly in the shouldersincreased fat mass, especially around the waist and trunk
• high “bad” cholesterol levels (higher ldl and lower hdl) which may increase risk of stroke and heart diseasedecreased bone density, which may cause osteoporosis
• fatigue, regardless of the amount of sleep.decreased interest in socialization
• a sense of isolation and depression

Model Complaint!!!!!! I'm venting.

I was booked for a fetish shoot this weekend a $600 fetish shoot. It was Philadelphia but, all the hateful Philadelphia models were booked as well. The Queen of the Klan of course former Philadelphia Model Kerri Taylor.

I dislike her very much. She forgot how to be courteous and nice to other people earlier in her modeling career or acting career, dancing career, ??? . I heard of her bullying a girl who was mortified when she was being picked on by Lovely Kerri. Kerri had posted scathing things about this girl that were not true. Its seem Ms. Kerri Taylor had not been nice to a lot of models in the Philadelphia Area. She was very two-faced and rude.

Kerri Taylor took Ms Violetta Storms under her wing. I would not take her under my arm. I'm a strict believer of fend for yourself in past and present day modeling world. I did it for the first 10 years of my career. Not that I won't give other models a list of people to work with in this area while traveling. I couldn't take another model under my arm...

Ms Storms wanted me to get her a job at a strip bar because, I bartended at one. She was talking to a friend I used to work with and me trying to get a job. We didn't have the heart to tell her that the bars would not hire her on a dayshift because, she is not pleasant to look at. Violetta became very ignorant to me. However, if she only knew what I knew I was trying to tip toe around a subject and be polite. I was hoping that the topic would go away. I wasn't going to tell the girl " She was uglier then sin " that being quoted from my boss.

Miss Violetta seemed to be forming quite an ego. I don't understand why nor do I care to understand.

When Kerri and her misfits screw up a $600 job for me by talking shit behind my back I get fucking pissed off. Not only that, What kind of producer listens to the bullshit a model says? Oh yeah I forgot Kerri is royalty ( well she thinks she is ). Royalty that was rejected from FHM, Maxim, Playboy, every magazine there is except some biker magazine. She is a B actress.

I emailed the producer 7 days before the shoot asking for the time, date and place of the shoot. I should of known then because, it seemed like I was pulling teeth to get this information. This gets better I worked with this producer before.

So, Naturally I will be shooting new pictures. I don't look my age what so ever, that will be seen in my pictures....

I will quote alot of photographers about Kerri " I don't know who the hell she thinks she is, I was disappointed in shooting with her. " That was the biggest quote I heard. There are so many other scathing quotes about Kerri. I will shut up.

All I have to say is Kerri your a bitch. Go to school, get some education, and get a part time job stripping so you can afford to live..

I'm sick to death of Model Mayhem bullshit. I'm going to fetlife.

Inspired by Glamour.

I know I'm becoming happy because, I'm looking through photo's the evening before a shoot. Something I haven't done in two years ( I mean, look through pictures ) have a theme in mind.

I am doing artistic work that can parlay into High Fashion. I will be a glamour-zilla which is a model full of glamour. Full make up, smokey eyes, beautiful perfected skin and lips.

The new thing that hasn't been seen except by close friends. My pixie haircut. Short hair is beautiful. I do miss my curls however, curls are not the discussion.

For my inspirations tonight I am using the MEGA SUPER MODELS of the early 90's Linda Evangelista, Christy Turlington, Cindy Crawford, Claudia Schiffer, and I'm also being inspired by Madonna and some of her images in the Vogue Days. Also, using IN STYLE magazine there are some images in there that I am drawn too as well.

All these pictures I look right now and paint a theme in my head of what I'm about to shoot. ( I could never duplicate perfection of the beautiful images inspiring me at the moment ) I can only make new images to look at. For I am edgy sexy, classy, classic, powerful, delicate and poised when the camera is pointed at me in this theme.

I'm glad to have this chance to finally create these images. I look at High Fashion as an Art Form that stay framed in the mind forever. Classic images of beauty.

I am a merely muse fueling a photographer that is my muse as well...